Building a good relationship with your mother-in-law isn’t always a walk in the park. In fact, research shows that 75% of couples deal with tension caused by their spouse’s mom. If you’ve ever found yourself biting your tongue or dreading holiday dinners—you’re not alone. But here’s the thing: it doesn’t have to be that way.

I’ve rounded up eight down-to-earth, expert-backed ways you can win her over and create a bond that’s built on mutual respect (and maybe even some laughs).

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Ask Her for Advice—Even If You Don’t Need It

Let’s start with an easy one. Everyone loves feeling valued, and your mother-in-law is no different. Just asking her for advice on something—big or small—can instantly make her feel respected.

It could be about cooking, parenting, or what color to paint your guest bathroom. You’re not just asking to ask—you’re showing her you trust her experience. That trust can be the first step toward a stronger relationship.

Believe Things Will Go Well (Because That Matters)

What you expect in relationships tends to shape how they turn out. If you walk into every interaction thinking she’s going to judge you or pick a fight, chances are, the energy will match your expectations.

Instead, try imagining how you’d treat her if she were already your biggest fan. It shifts your mindset and invites her to meet you halfway. Think positive, and you’ll be surprised at how far that optimism can carry you.

Change the Way You Show You Care

Sometimes it’s not about grand gestures. A simple check-in text, offering to help with dinner, or even remembering something small she mentioned last week can mean a lot.

These little acts of kindness are more than just niceties—they build emotional trust. And when she starts to feel emotionally safe around you, things get way easier.

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Don’t Leave Her Out of the Picture

Family events can get messy. But leaving your mother-in-law out—intentionally or not—can stir up unnecessary tension. Let her decide if she wants to be part of a birthday dinner or a school play. The goal is to make space for her, not force her.

Including her in plans, conversations, and decisions can make a huge difference in how connected she feels to the family.

Let Go of the Small Stuff

Your mother-in-law might not parent like you, clean like you, or even talk like you. She might give your kids candy before dinner or buy gifts you didn’t approve. But here’s the deal—you’re not going to change her. And she’s not trying to replace you.

Let grandparents do what they do best—spoil the kids. You focus on structure and balance. Pick your battles wisely, and let go of the stuff that doesn’t matter long-term.

Back Her Up Sometimes

If a silly argument breaks out—maybe about who was supposed to walk the dog—take a second to defend her (when it’s fair, of course).

Standing by her in small situations tells her you’re not just “the spouse”—you’re someone who sees her side. That one moment can leave a lasting impact on how she sees you.

Respect the Differences

Different families have different traditions, boundaries, and ways of doing things. One might do Thanksgiving brunch, while the other insists on dinner. Instead of arguing over which side to pick, rotate holidays or split the time.

Flexibility shows maturity, and honoring both sides of the family keeps things peaceful. And peace with your in-laws is priceless.

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Teach the Kids to Appreciate Her

Don’t just expect your kids to understand how important Grandma is—show them. Ask them to make cards, call her on her birthday, or thank her for gifts.

You’re shaping the way your children treat extended family. And when your mother-in-law sees you encouraging their bond, she’ll appreciate your effort even more.

No one said building a bond with your mother-in-law would be effortless. But it doesn’t have to be war, either. With patience, a few intentional choices, and a bit of humor, you can shift the entire dynamic.

At the end of the day, she’s part of the family you chose—and with a little care, that relationship can grow into something surprisingly beautiful.